Kokoro Reflections: Where is My Paradise

Where is my paradise?

Where is the place that my whole soul and mind can freely roam without doubts?

Where is that world that I am longing for?

Such questions, the things that keep haunting me for a long time.


Music of my dreams are always pulling me and reminding me, "I can make you feel what you really want"

Then trenches my heart and tells me, "shall we go now"?

I want to follow the path I really longing for. But... I have the fear to take the risk. Money and experiences, those are too risky to be exchanged to my greatest dream.


But I ask myself, "How can you be at your fullest if you won't take a risk?"


I would love to take risk. But I have things to consider before doing so. Yes, that includes my salary rate and work experiences. But those concern the support I give to my family financially, and my younger siblings are still studying. I can't leave my current carreer if I would consider those. But... if ever I am going to take that risk, I am willing to start from the bottom just to learn and take steps to be better in the path that I really want.

It is very difficult suppressing myself like this. It's like I am giving up my whole self and life to something contrary to my interests. I feel like dead at all.

I know there are others feeling same way but not complaining at all because they take consideration of people whom they care much. Having my ideas and aspirations doesn't mean I don't care for loved ones. I just want to stood up for my life in which it seem felt not much alive for all this time not following my heart wants.

I can't see much of myself right now. I can't see my true potential. I can't see what I really do good at. I am blinded.

To ease this struggle, I take free and affordable arts and programming workshops. I do take alternatives because I don't wanna stay confined in my so lifeless life.

I want to stood-up and shine, and then feel appreciated by others, and so as myself. I want to take possible opportunity I could see in order to set foot on my goals. And this is how I fight for my life.