Balloons in My Speechless Mind: reminisce

Showing posts with label reminisce. Show all posts

Monday, November 30, 2009

bLizZ for Today

Got pinched by the spice of Crackling but it tastes good.
Morning sunshine... Love it!
Messed hair due ~ but in style...
I love my e51 and my china phone
Feeling relax
New shoes and umbrella ~ kampai!
Lovin' life!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

After my dad's smashing parent's speech, after my laptop has been taken away, after my parents slap me on my face for several time, after I cried like there's no tomorrow... Finally... I lost my interest to play RF Online.

After few days of being in my gloomy days, it turned out like that. I dunno why... Maybe it's just I wanna focus myself on GFX, studying programming and web developement and other stuff. But I still wanna go online on RF because I wanna make bondings with my friends even only via cyberspace.

I'm thinking if Aion will bring back the vigor I lost in playing video games, especially MMORPG. I'm actually downloading it right now.

Well... I do think this is a blessing in disguise. I said before, to myself, that I wanna focus more on my goals... And here it is... Losing interest on video games, more interest on pursuing the real time goals.

Getting the real time goals, more fun will be gained for myself.

But I hope, my parents will accept those friends I made in cyberspace. I hope they'll know them well and realize that they are good people. Then everything will be fine now... I hope...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Friend who Made Me Realized About How My Parents Really Care About Me

Recently, my dad just found the video of my EB with some Recklezz guild members and he got really mad, even on to my mom. He told me that time to stop playing RF.

On the next day, at night, I was chatting. Dad saw me and asked, "Who are you chatting with?". I said, "RF players". Then he asked again, "What is that?", pertaining to the picture I am checking. I said, "picture of a receipt that my friend is asking me to edit". Then he started to fire up that time. He walked out of the room and went back again with the flame on me. Then heat started burst up.

Well... My dad is really mad because of me having a connection and befriending unknown people through online game. He is mad because he believes that those people I'm befriending in the cyber world are up into something not good for me. I tried to somewhat contradict what my dad is thinking but I made him more fired up. I was like helpless that time because I can't explain my side very well vocally since I'm not that vocal if I have some problem within me. I just take a quiet time then cry eventually. I felt so misjudged that time... (I don't wanna tell further details about that...)... Anyways... I'm so mad because even chat, he prohibits it. I understand him but the thing is it only chat. But I can't blame him... I did several disappointing things to him like having a boyfriend without them knowing at the first place, going on to an EB with all boys group and many more... Well... I know people will misjudge me of being a cheap girl with this thing. But, if those people will look on the deeper side, I'm just after friendship and socializing which is I somewhat looking for. But still, I'm a girl, I need to act decently.

Well... I was so sad after what happened... Depressed and always in bad mood. Then good thing I had a chance to talk with someone called "Arcariuz" aka... Vanni...

I told the situation I'm in right now and how I feel about it.

The good thing he did to me is to make me realize about somethings...

He told some stories of his life which somewhat made me cry. His stories are mostly similar to mine.

With his stories he made me realized about how my parents really care about me.

He has the eldest from his siblings, like me. He was also a stubborn kid, like me. But things changed after an accident happened. He realized that even you have plenty of pals to be with, you will only come to some certain people in times of chaos... Your family. And that's he wants to tell me. My dad, and also my mom, are mad at me because they are concern about me. They just want me to be safe and be on the right path. They can't be blamed if they treat me like that because it's for my good sake.

After the thing happened between me and my dad, I was like limited and being mostly monitored to do somethings which is the same thing happened with my friend. The thing he told me is, things will get better just prove and show them that I'm not like what they think. I just have to balance things out. Make them happy and I can enjoy more things at the end.

To my parents... I admit I'm mad due to what happened but I know that those people I'm befriending are good. I'm not siding to them but I do feel and know that they are good. But you guys can be right... Anyways... I'm sorry to things that I have done. I was just looking for somethings which are missing in my life which I have found on them. I can't blame you if you think like that but you can't blame if I act like this. My whole story is still sealed and I'm still having difficulties on the stories I have inside. Please just give me time, I'm on my changing process. I'm changing for good. Not only for myself, but also for everyone.

Special thanks to "Arcariuz"... Without you... I will not be enlightened like this. Thank you!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

bLizZter HighSchool Art Series

Friday, November 13, 2009

Light from Aisle of Darkness

A screenshot from the overpass near at my school. Shot was made by my phone. Then within this picture, it conveys my life point-of-views and my dreams. My point-of-view of light after and within the darkness and the dream of finding happiness despite of the negitivities found on the world I cling on.

The dark aisle with street light without lights on, grilled like walls, trees and some covered area signifies my grief that I'm having due to the sadness that I kept for about 4 years of studying in college. A sadness due to my frustrations, depressions and anxieties with the things that I've done, the chances and opportunities that I have passed. The sun rays with clouds signifies despite of the sorrows I have, there will be happiness after it and the sweetness of life will be more appreciated afterward.

http://blizzter.deviantart.com/art/Light-from-Aisle-of-Darkness-143409764

Check my works on deviantART.

http://blizzter.deviantart.com

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Sadness

How hard it feels
Don't know how to unseal
Very deep inside
A wound don't heal

Mountain of grief
Climbed to its peak
On top of it
Something I seek

Set me free is what I want
Being eased is what I want
Let me feel how to live
I'm so tired being like this

Tears falling, bashful chicks of youth
Now I see the heart full of sorrow
Set me free and let me enjoy what life is

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Story of My Hair Tail

I started to make my hair long when I was in first year of college. I didn't cut my hair for about 2 years and a half. Then on the hair trimming day, I decided to keep some portion of my hair as long as it is. I decided to do that to make a difference out of anybody and to experience a new thing.

During those years that I'm making my hair long until I have this hair tail, I have encountered sorts of negative emotions. Frustrations, failures, anxieties, depressions, insecurities, guilt, annoyances, hopelessness, shame and many more.

In those times,I do felt so hard in my life. I lost my interest on the things that I usually do like singing, drawing, playing piano and many more. I was so intimidated by some people who just told me that I don't piano good. Then after that, I got discouraged on to myself and to most things that I do. I always think that I'm not good at everything. Even the achievements I acquired before, I think like I don't deserve those. I think that I got it because no one else to get it. So no choice, I'll be the one who's getting it. I always feel unsure that times. I think, I feel that I'm always wrongs and being criticized.

I got carried away with my emotions. I lost a large portion of trust to myself and affected my school performance, attitude, behavior and much more. One result, failure at school. But after that failure, I was awaken. I realized that I must not be intimidated by the other people around me because they don't control my life, I am. I must not be paying too much attention to them. So, I decided to color up my hair tail different from my usual hair color as a sign of change, reborn of my self. The me who always dream, determined, optimistic, courageous, bright and etc... I'm bringing back the old me. I'll fight for myself, the dignity I lost.

I color up my hair tail to be look like a mystic. Mystic, a class in Rising Force online that uses magic to fight as their specialty. I wanna be look like mystic because I wanna feel the magic within me. The magic which are the skills, knowledge and other things I have that I must appreciate.

I must believe in myself that I can do things really good. With the hair tail I have, this will be my symbol of my struggle that I have to bring the bliss back to myself.